Thursday, February 02, 2012
My Favorite Financial Tip
Is included on page 5 of this MainStreet post. It was an honor to be included with this awesome group of money masters.
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
The 5 Worst Colors
1. Pink. Women who wear it are just conforming to the stereotype, while dudes who do the same are trying too hard to say that they don't care what others think about them. In doing so, they're proving they care way too much.
2. Brown. By far the most boring color. It's dirt. Its message is "I need to be improved upon."
3. Off-white. If you're going to be white, go all-out. Off-white is just phoning it in and is the epitome of willful imperfection.
4. Neon yellow. Makes your eyes bleed. Should be co-opted as a government weapon.
5. Grey. It's the brown of the off-off whites. Eeyore can keep it.
For the record, the best colors are bright orange and bright red. Both emit power.
2. Brown. By far the most boring color. It's dirt. Its message is "I need to be improved upon."
3. Off-white. If you're going to be white, go all-out. Off-white is just phoning it in and is the epitome of willful imperfection.
4. Neon yellow. Makes your eyes bleed. Should be co-opted as a government weapon.
5. Grey. It's the brown of the off-off whites. Eeyore can keep it.
For the record, the best colors are bright orange and bright red. Both emit power.
Monday, January 30, 2012
The 5 Most Evil NFL Teams
1. Dallas Cowboys. It's no coincidence all those Satanic ritual movies have the Cowboys' logo with a circle around it. Having the gall to call yourself "America's Team" gets you to to the top of this list right quick.
2. Green Bay Packers. They win too often, and their stupid Lambeau leap is obnoxious.
3. New England Patriots. They never ever ever lose. Well, sometimes they do. They are the football version of entitled, smarmy Duke basketball.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers. They are always mediocre yet nearly always worm their way into the late rounds of the playoffs and sometimes even swipe Super Bowl titles.
5. Seattle Seahawks. It's impossible to take anything sportswise from Seattle seriously, yet I still hate the Seahawks because of their obnoxious color scheme and ability to pull out undeserved wins with semi-regularity.
2. Green Bay Packers. They win too often, and their stupid Lambeau leap is obnoxious.
3. New England Patriots. They never ever ever lose. Well, sometimes they do. They are the football version of entitled, smarmy Duke basketball.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers. They are always mediocre yet nearly always worm their way into the late rounds of the playoffs and sometimes even swipe Super Bowl titles.
5. Seattle Seahawks. It's impossible to take anything sportswise from Seattle seriously, yet I still hate the Seahawks because of their obnoxious color scheme and ability to pull out undeserved wins with semi-regularity.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Review: Man on a Ledge
Stuff gets real when you're teetering on the ledge of a Manhattan high-rise, having flashbacks in 10-minute chunks to keep the audience apprised of what's going on in your noggin. It's tough to blame you if you're, say, Sam Worthington and you overact a bit. Maybe you let your Aussie accent come in and out as you taunt a pair of police officers inside the window and an adoring crowd below. Maybe you dart your eyes so much you resemble the Hamburglar.
Maybe you just zone out on occasion, as Third Eye Blind's Jumper courses through your mind.
Whatever the case, Man on a Ledge manages to overcome an iffy performance by Worthington to stay riveting throughout its running time. Kudos to the filmmakers for pitching a super-high concept -- 21 stories high, more or less -- and wringing every possible bit of suspense from it.
The film opens in a way that makes you want to tap the back of the head of the guy in front of you, saying "Can you believe that guy just checked into a hotel, jimmied up the window and just stepped out there? I mean, the movie is called Man on a Ledge but holy sh*t, the man is actually on that ledge! Do you think he's really there or it's just a green screen, like what weathermen and Jar Jar Binks use? How do you think he'll get down? The guy's got a secret. What do you think it is? And why does the guy keep talking like Crocodile Dundee?"
Since actually saying all that stuff would get you tossed out by the other 15 people brave enough to pay for a ticket to a new movie that opens in the January wasteland, you've got to twirl those thoughts to yourself as you sit back, grip the arm rests and let Sam's flashbacks fill you in, bit by bit.
Thanks to its unique and convincing plotting, the movie manages to make infinite scenes of a dude just standing there fascinating. The movie is at its best when you don't know what's going on in his head, and you're leaning forward hoping he cuts ties with all the lies that he's been living in. You'd kind of like to see him jump, but then again you totally wouldn't, because that would make the movie far too short, unless the third act consists solely of paramedics doing grisly work with spatulas.
Once the film lets you in on all its mysteries -- thankfully doing so subtle way that respects your intellegience and not in a Scooby-Doo manner -- it drags a little, but manages to pull you back in every now and again by cutting and verifying that THE DUDE IS STILL UP ON THAT LEDGE!
The filmmakers might be on to something here, that could fix just about every boring movie. Bella and Edward keep playing chess? Show Jacob on a ledge! Sylvester Stallone's stumbling through a monlogue? Have him do it on a ledge! There are Chipmunks, Smurfs or Muppets on screen, and they won't do anything entertaining? Put 'em all up on a ledge, then push!
Here's hoping the ledge movement begins here and now, and historians look back on this great moment that started it all.
Starring Sam Worthington, Edward Burns, Ed Harris and Elizabeth Banks. Written by Pablo F. Fenjves. Directed by Asger Leth. Rated PG-13. 102 minutes.
My novel, Stormin' Mormon, is available as a Kindle book for $1.
Maybe you just zone out on occasion, as Third Eye Blind's Jumper courses through your mind.
Whatever the case, Man on a Ledge manages to overcome an iffy performance by Worthington to stay riveting throughout its running time. Kudos to the filmmakers for pitching a super-high concept -- 21 stories high, more or less -- and wringing every possible bit of suspense from it.
The film opens in a way that makes you want to tap the back of the head of the guy in front of you, saying "Can you believe that guy just checked into a hotel, jimmied up the window and just stepped out there? I mean, the movie is called Man on a Ledge but holy sh*t, the man is actually on that ledge! Do you think he's really there or it's just a green screen, like what weathermen and Jar Jar Binks use? How do you think he'll get down? The guy's got a secret. What do you think it is? And why does the guy keep talking like Crocodile Dundee?"
Since actually saying all that stuff would get you tossed out by the other 15 people brave enough to pay for a ticket to a new movie that opens in the January wasteland, you've got to twirl those thoughts to yourself as you sit back, grip the arm rests and let Sam's flashbacks fill you in, bit by bit.
Thanks to its unique and convincing plotting, the movie manages to make infinite scenes of a dude just standing there fascinating. The movie is at its best when you don't know what's going on in his head, and you're leaning forward hoping he cuts ties with all the lies that he's been living in. You'd kind of like to see him jump, but then again you totally wouldn't, because that would make the movie far too short, unless the third act consists solely of paramedics doing grisly work with spatulas.
Once the film lets you in on all its mysteries -- thankfully doing so subtle way that respects your intellegience and not in a Scooby-Doo manner -- it drags a little, but manages to pull you back in every now and again by cutting and verifying that THE DUDE IS STILL UP ON THAT LEDGE!
The filmmakers might be on to something here, that could fix just about every boring movie. Bella and Edward keep playing chess? Show Jacob on a ledge! Sylvester Stallone's stumbling through a monlogue? Have him do it on a ledge! There are Chipmunks, Smurfs or Muppets on screen, and they won't do anything entertaining? Put 'em all up on a ledge, then push!
Here's hoping the ledge movement begins here and now, and historians look back on this great moment that started it all.
Starring Sam Worthington, Edward Burns, Ed Harris and Elizabeth Banks. Written by Pablo F. Fenjves. Directed by Asger Leth. Rated PG-13. 102 minutes.
My novel, Stormin' Mormon, is available as a Kindle book for $1.
The 5 Worst Competition Shows I've Had The Misfortune Of Watching
1. American Idol. If Ryan Seacrest came out today and said "Hey, I'm the antichrist," I would think, "Yeah, that's about right." I hate everything about this show, and Seacrest is the head of the beast.
2. Survivor. They give these people way too many creature comforts and don't starve them or let them suffer from diseases nearly enough. The only thing they're really "surviving" is increasing public apathy.
3. Deal or No Deal. There's no skill involved in this idiotic game, and nobody ever accepts the first deal, so there's no sense in it even being offered. The arcade game rocks, though. Gives out a ton of tickets.
4. Big Brother. At least the people in Survivor have to deal with the elements. People in this show just sit around and complain about each other. I get enough of that at work.
5. The Bachelorette. It's universally understood that dudes, especially dude-bros, which populate this show, hate the idea of marriage and only do so when they're forced to. The idea that dude-bros would compete for the ability to get married is akin to zebras at the zoo competing with each other to see who gets to be roommates with the lion.
2. Survivor. They give these people way too many creature comforts and don't starve them or let them suffer from diseases nearly enough. The only thing they're really "surviving" is increasing public apathy.
3. Deal or No Deal. There's no skill involved in this idiotic game, and nobody ever accepts the first deal, so there's no sense in it even being offered. The arcade game rocks, though. Gives out a ton of tickets.
4. Big Brother. At least the people in Survivor have to deal with the elements. People in this show just sit around and complain about each other. I get enough of that at work.
5. The Bachelorette. It's universally understood that dudes, especially dude-bros, which populate this show, hate the idea of marriage and only do so when they're forced to. The idea that dude-bros would compete for the ability to get married is akin to zebras at the zoo competing with each other to see who gets to be roommates with the lion.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The 5 Worst Breakfast Cereals
1. Cheerios -- I'm pretty sure this is made by the same cardboard they used to make the boxes. Each bite takes you that much closer to depression rather than cheeriness.
2. Special K -- The reason this stuff has brand recognition as something that makes you thin is it's impossible to eat.
3. Shredded Wheat -- Munching on this makes you feel like a horse chewing on hay. I've never tried hay, but it's probably better than this.
4. Kix -- I understand why mothers approve, because they love to torture their children with things that taste terrible, such as vegetables. But I can't comprehend the assertion that alleged kids actually approved of this. Whoever these kids were, they clearly have never encountered sugar.
5. Raisin Bran -- It's like Corn Flakes, only with the added bonus of like seven raisins in the entire box. Bran Raisin should be its actual title, only with the word "raisin" in agate type.
2. Special K -- The reason this stuff has brand recognition as something that makes you thin is it's impossible to eat.
3. Shredded Wheat -- Munching on this makes you feel like a horse chewing on hay. I've never tried hay, but it's probably better than this.
4. Kix -- I understand why mothers approve, because they love to torture their children with things that taste terrible, such as vegetables. But I can't comprehend the assertion that alleged kids actually approved of this. Whoever these kids were, they clearly have never encountered sugar.
5. Raisin Bran -- It's like Corn Flakes, only with the added bonus of like seven raisins in the entire box. Bran Raisin should be its actual title, only with the word "raisin" in agate type.
Monday, January 23, 2012
The 5 Dumbest Pizza Toppings
1. Extra cheese. It's impossible to tell whether or not it's really there. I hope pizza makers punish people who order this by giving them less cheese.
2. Pineapple. This is pizza, not a luau. Get that crap out of here.
3. Anchovies. This is pizza, not a haunted aquarium of dead fish that still have their heads and bones intact. Get that crap out of here.
4. Chicken. You have to eat this garbage in 98 percent of your other meals, so you deserve a break when it comes pizza time.
5. Jalapeños. They improve almost everything, but pizza is the rare exception. Rather than enhance the taste of pizza sauce, they combat it.
2. Pineapple. This is pizza, not a luau. Get that crap out of here.
3. Anchovies. This is pizza, not a haunted aquarium of dead fish that still have their heads and bones intact. Get that crap out of here.
4. Chicken. You have to eat this garbage in 98 percent of your other meals, so you deserve a break when it comes pizza time.
5. Jalapeños. They improve almost everything, but pizza is the rare exception. Rather than enhance the taste of pizza sauce, they combat it.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
How I Stopped SOPA
In case you were wondering why SOPA got shot down, it was definitely because I refused to post an update here yesterday. This action pretty much single-handedly got Obama to come out three days before and render the bill moot by saying he would not support it.
Yes, my lack of posting was so powerful that it traveled back in time to make that happen. You're welcome. Let me know if there are any other social causes I can single-handedly champion for you, internet.
For the record, I also stopped PIPA Middleton from doing whatever she had planned. The British should stay out of the American lawmaking process anyway. We are independent from you now, dammit!
Yes, my lack of posting was so powerful that it traveled back in time to make that happen. You're welcome. Let me know if there are any other social causes I can single-handedly champion for you, internet.
For the record, I also stopped PIPA Middleton from doing whatever she had planned. The British should stay out of the American lawmaking process anyway. We are independent from you now, dammit!
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